


The Real Housewives of Hades

by wendelah1



Category: Hymn to Demeter - Homer
Genre: F/M, Gen, Humor, Parody
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-05-13
Updated: 2018-05-13
Packaged: 2019-05-06 09:05:38
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,286
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14638590
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/wendelah1/pseuds/wendelah1
Summary: Coming this Fall to Bravo: If you loveThe Real Housewives of AtlantaandThe Real Housewives of New York,  this season, the drama is getting EVEN MORE DOWN AND DIRTY! MeetThe Real Housewives of Hades.





	The Real Housewives of Hades

**Author's Note:**

  * For [Apricot](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Apricot/gifts).



Episode One: "The Big Lie," commentary track

[ voice-over ] Hello. This is Michelle Chase. I'm the director for the first episode of "The Real Housewives of Hades."

Hey, Michelle. And this is Amanda Diaz. I wrote episode one, "The Big Lie."

Announcer: "Coming this Fall to Bravo: If you love 'The Real Housewives of Atlanta'... [ show clip ] and 'The Real Housewives of New York'... [ show clip ] Well, this season, the drama is getting EVEN MORE DOWN AND DIRTY! Meet 'The Real Housewives of Hades.'"

[ voice-over ] This is a standard opener for the series, wouldn't you say, Amanda?

What makes you think I watch it? Just kidding. [ coughs ] Yes. It totally is.

[ show Persephone – wife of Hades, Queen of the Underworld, Ancient Greek and Roman section ]

[ voice-over ] If you're a regular viewer, you already know that each character on the series is introduced saying their tag-line. What's a tag-line? It's a short catchphrase that is supposed to express the essence of the character.

"I know what you've all been told—the official version of events, the story my mother tells everyone about what happened. It's a big lie." 

[ voice-over ] Because this season is centered around Queen Persephone, rather than use a tag-line per se, I decided to just go ahead and let her tell her story. From her perspective, everything we think we know about her is wrong. It's "The Big Lie." 

[ open with long shot of the goddesses and visiting VIPs. The scene is the sumptuous reception area of the newly completed Trump Hotel Elysian Fields. The goddesses are reclining on velvet divans; the mortals on similarly upholstered loveseats. They are all rolling their eyes and shaking their heads, some in approval, others in disbelief. ]

[ voice-over ] This scene was shot on location in the hotel. You cannot believe the red-tape involved to set up a lengthy shoot in Hades, even when one of the main characters is the god of the underworld, and the other is his wife. So many rules...and no tax breaks.

[ show Penelope – wife of Odysseus ]

"I fought off dozens of suitors waiting for my husband to return from the war. Play games with me, and you're going down."

[ voice-over ] Penelope is best known for remaining faithful to her husband during his long voyage home from the Trojan War. I wanted her as contrast to the Greek goddesses and gods, who are not exactly known for their marital fidelity.

She was a great choice, Amanda. Penelope's a very classy lady, and a joy to work with.

Persephone: "I'm here to give you the real story, assuming you want the truth."

Penelope: [ muttering to Mary Magdalene, who smiles knowingly, and pats Penelope's hand ] "As if I had a choice about hearing it."

Persephone: [ glares in their general direction and looks indignant ] "For Jove's sake, I'm right here! Show some respect!"

[ show Mary Magdalene – follower of Jesus of Nazareth ] 

[ voice-over ] Another casting coup. Penelope was a long-time resident and a subject of King Hades, but we had to get special permissions to bring Mary Magdalene in. Once she had agreed in principle, we were surprised at how easy it was to get her on loan through the Monotheists division.

The Afterlife Inter-dimensional Task Force was a huge help with that, across the board.

"No one knows better than I do what it's like to be misunderstood. [ looks up at the ceiling, then back at the camera ] But--if people can't handle the truth, it's not her problem. Or mine. I'm just here to observe." [ smiles again ]

[ voice-over ] Mary Magdalene was the perfect choice. We'd wanted to cast an outsider, someone with whom Penelope could plausibly talk about the Greek gods, but it had to be someone the audience wouldn't automatically assume was in the know.

[ show Lakshmi – Hindu goddess of wealth, fortune, prosperity and beauty ]

[ voice-over ] We were fortunate in getting Goddess Lakshmi to act as our moderator for this season--just how fortunate you'll get to see later in the episode.

"Karma's a bitch, so I don't have to be one." 

Lakshmi: [ reclining at Persephone's side ] "We're all eager to hear your story. Do go on." 

[ voice-over ] I agree. Kudos to the casting director, Ayala Bains. She outdid herself this season.

[ Goddesses Athena, Aphrodite and Artemis each get their chance to voice their approval ] 

[ voice-over ] I left this sequence unscripted. I had worked with these goddesses before and they're all pros. Also, I didn't think they'd need introductions since our core audience should already know them from "The Real Housewives of Mount Olympus." I was also worried that once the breaks for commercials and promos were slotted in place, we'd run long.

[ cut to Mary Magdalene and Penelope. They exchange looks but say nothing. ]

Persephone: [ mollified ] "Well. In the first place, I wasn't kidnapped. I'd had my eye on my husband since forever. We met at a party up on Mount Olympus. He was super hot, but you could tell he didn't get out much."

[ cut to party scene. Loud EDM in the background. Everyone is wearing modern evening wear, with the exception of Hades, who enters dressed in a toga and leather sandals. Embarrassed, he turns to leave, but from across the room, Persephone spots him. They lock eyes. She runs to him, grabs his hand, and pulls him back toward the party. ]

[ voice-over ] This sequence was so much fun to shoot. This long shot is stock footage of Walhalla Memorial in Donaustauf, Germany, an outstanding example of Greek revival architecture. The actual scenes we shot at the Second Bank of the United States in Philadelphia. To emphasize Hades' alienation from the other gods, our costume designer elected to put him in a toga in the flashback sequence.

Persephone: "Please, don't go. You just got here. You have to at least say 'hi' to everyone. Then, maybe we can leave together? You can take me for spin in your... 

[ cut to shot of a black chariot with two white winged horses parked alongside dozens of limousines at the foot of Mt. Olympus. Theme from "Chariots of Fire" is playing. ]

[ voice-over ] Our music director was the Muse Euterpe, who was also with us on "The Real Housewives of Mount Olympus." She has a great sense of humor and impeccable taste in movies. 

So you say. I mean, sure. We're lucky to have her.

[ cut to closeup of Persephone and Hades ]

Persephone: [ dismayed ] "I can't believe you're still driving that old thing. Maybe...you need to upgrade? "

Hades: [ embarrassed ] "I know, but I hate shopping. [ lowering his voice ] Don't tell Zeus I said this, but I hate having to show up at these stupid events, too." 

[ voice-over ] Those aren't actual winged horses. There were none to be found in Philadelphia or even western Pennsylvania. 

[ cut to Hades, entering stage left, to join his wife at center stage. ]

[ voice-over ] Like the rest of the cast, he's wearing modern dress for scenes set in the present. 

I do kind of miss the togas. Hades has great legs.

And arms.

And shoulders. It's a shame to cover them up.

He is a Greek god.

Hades: "Look, I know some of you think I was out of line, asking my brother for Persephone's hand in marriage. Maybe I should have gone straight to Demeter instead, saved everyone a lot of grief. It's not a popular concept but even gods make mistakes, okay?" 

[ voice-over ] He's knows he's on the defensive but he tries hard not to show it.

[ show Demeter – Greek goddess of agriculture and fertility ]

"When Mama's not happy, nobody's happy!"

[ cut to shots of: fields of crops, dying; winter storms, raging; Greeks in togas, shivering ]

[ voice-over ] Everything--except for the shivering Greeks--was stock footage.

Persephone: [ indignant ] "So my mother is a total drama queen. How exactly is that your fault? 

[ in background, the studio audience bursts into "spontaneous" applause ]

[ show Hades – King of the Underworld, Ancient Greek and Roman section. He is seated on his throne, hearing petitions. There is a long line of dead people waiting for their turn to plead their case ] 

Hades: [ speaks to the camera, sounds petulant ] "Look, the truth is I was lonely, and okay, maybe a little overwhelmed. I mean, I get it. No one wants to be here. We've just opened the new place." 

[ quick cut to exterior shot of Trump Hotel Elysian Fields ] 

Hades: "The complaints are non-stop. Everyone thinks they deserve a better room, the food service is slow. Recruiting good workers is next to impossible. It's going to take time to get everything up to speed. Sure, I'm the god of the underworld, but even here, my powers are not unlimited. I can't simply snap my fingers and turn coarse linen sheets into 300 thread count pima cotton!" 

[ quick cuts to petitioners and studio audience groaning in unison ]

[ voice-over ] So, I assume they're pissed off because everyone knows he could transform the sheets from linen to cotton, if he wanted to?

You would think.

Hades: [ lowers his voice ] "Just between us, I had thought about dating mortal women but those relationships never turn out the way you'd expect." 

[ cut to shot of Apollo kissing Daphne, who is turning into a tree, even as he continues his unwanted attentions to her ]

[ cut to quick shot of Zeus, in the guise of a swan, raping Leda. ]

[ voice-over ] Did we ever have a debate with Standards about that one. You can show men raping women on cable television, no problem; men raping men, ditto.

But the network wanted to draw the line at the swan.

It was nuts. 

[ cut to Penelope and Mary Magdalene ]

[ voice-over ] This is the point where we really began deviating from the original script.

Penelope: [ in a low voice, to Mary Magdalene ] "And if the gods weren't bad enough, the goddesses can be even worse." 

[ voice-over ] I added that line. You know why.

Absolutely. Hey, it worked for me. 

[ cut to shot of Callisto morphing into a bear, with Juno looking on, arms crossed over her chest, nodding her approval ] 

[ voice-over ] I added that scene.

It was a real bear to shoot, too. You're welcome.

[ quick cuts to barren fields, winter storms, shivering Greeks ]

[ voice-over ] All of these scenes were added in response to...wait for it...

[ cut to the goddess Demeter, who enters stage right. The studio audience boos. ]

Demeter: [ ignores audience, points accusing finger at Hades ] "Excuse me? You did a little more than just 'think about' it, brother of mine!" 

[ voice-over ] This was not anticipated, not planned for, and it most certainly was not scripted. [ nervous laughter ]

Yeah. We just kept our mouths shut and let the cameras roll.

Hades: [ indignant ] "That's not true! [ tries to embrace Persephone who pushes him away ] I swear to you, Darling! I'm innocent!" 

[ cut to shot of Persephone, who is transforming Hades's former lover, the river nymph Minthe, into a bed of mint. ]

[ voice-over ] All CGI, of course, all added in post. Poor Minthe.

Persephone: [ to Hades, who is now grovelling at her feet ] "I'll deal with you later. [ turns, glares at Demeter ] "That mess was entirely your fault! Why couldn't you just leave us alone? If I'd been with him, he wouldn't have given that silly nymph a second glance! You need to leave NOW, Mother, or I'll call my attorney. It's early November! Our contract says I don't have to deal with you for months!"

Lakshmi: [ in soothing tone ] "Demeter, darling, she has a point. We'll get to hear your side of things next season. You really should go." 

[ voice-over ] Now you can see what I meant when I said we were fortunate to land Lakshmi. She completely defused the situation. 

No one in the crew or the studio audience got transformed into shrubbery or turned into wild pigs.

Good thing, because that would have pissed off the producers and sent our insurance rates through the roof.

[ Flashes of lightening, followed by the sound of thunder, as Demeter storms out. ] 

[ voice-over ] You can't tell but the temperature in the studio dropped 20 degrees in two seconds. Literally. You can't make this stuff up!

[ quick cut to studio audience: some are cheering, others are silently shivering ]

[ cut to the goddesses who murmur amongst themselves ]

[ cut to Penelope and Mary Magdalene ]

Penelope: [ to Mary Magdalene ] "You see now what I'm talking about—these gods are jealous, they're vengeful, they're ..." 

Mary Magdalene: [ interrupts ] "I'm familiar with the type." [ looks thoughtful ] "I'd assumed Demeter was grieving but—maybe she enjoyed watching humanity suffer, too? Misery does love company." 

[ cut to closeup of Persephone and Hades ]

Hades: [ sits up slowly and looks around ] "Is she gone?" 

Persephone: "Yes, my love. She is, for now." [ They kiss tenderly as the audience applauds ] 

[ voice-over ] The audience is already rooting for them and it's only episode one!

[ cut to title card ]

Announcer: "Next week on 'The Real Housewives of Hades': We bring you an exclusive, intimate portrait of Queen Persephone's courtship and marriage to Hades, God of the Underworld!"

[ cut to throne room. Seated beside Hades, Persephone is gleefully peeling a pomegranate. Impatient, she digs her hands into the pomegranate, splashing bright red juice all over her face and gown. Hades is amused. The petitioners look indulgent. ]

Persephone: [ laughs and pops one seed into her mouth and another into his ] "Whatever! Spending six months of the year as your wife and Queen is better than nothing. If it had been up to my mother, I'd still be hanging around in her damned meadows, picking flowers, and pretending to be a virgin." 

Announcer: "Only on Bravo!"

[ fade ] 

[ voice-over ]  I'm Amanda Diaz.

And I'm Michelle Chase.

We hope you've enjoyed our commentary for episode one of "The Real Housewives of Hades." Thanks again for watching. 


End file.
